Backslide

2006-03-28T21:34:00.000-08:00

I met a new friend in a bar last week, a friend of a friend. It was coincidental because we were out there just to celebrate a well-played volleyball game by my friend. We were introduced to each other along with some of her friends and mine too. On a separate occasion, she also came, so we eventually hang out again, dined, played billiards, and then sang in a KTV while drinking. She then confided on me while we were in the KTV. Telling me what is happening with her current relationship and somehow I wasn’t sure what happened but it hit me. I knew I found someone better and I felt better now. But her story was almost the same as mine, her reactions, and the things she said was the same as mine. It felt like I was looking in front of a mirror and hearing myself speaking. Everything that happened in my past love flashed back to me in vivid details. As soon as we went home, I cried my heart out, it kept on pouring as if I was the one hurting again. As I lay down in bed, I thought of what might have been if I did this, if I didn’t have said that, if I didn’t let go… All of those thoughts came back to me in a flash. As soon as I woke up, I felt that heavy feeling again but not as much as it was before. I knew I was backsliding from what I think is best for me. I felt gloomy inside. Is this some kind of a test? Or have I rushed things too quickly? Am I really not ready to let go? Am I still wanting, longing for that person to love me again? Or even have that person back in my life? Questions keep on racing inside my head. Summoning but there were no answers. It haunted me and I felt sad and bad about myself. But after that day passed, I realized something. It doesn’t matter how short or how long I have mourned, what mattered is I found a way to stand up over and over again. It doesn’t matter if I am feeling this way right now because I know this feeling will not last forever. It doesn’t matter if her story is somewhat the same as mine but what really matters is I am able to listen and help out in any way I can for a friend. What matters most is that I am not going to give up until I have completely moved on with my life. That in any circumstances in my life I am learning and changing for the person I should be...

The two 'X' in my life...

2006-03-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

There was a time in my life when I thought what I saw was true. I thought I was truly loved by someone and was faithfully devoted to me, telling me sweet and loving words that melted my heart and made me fall in love over and over again. I thought that person had really changed after all the mistakes that happened before us. I thought that there were lessons learned in the past experiences we had but there were none. A dreaded and vicious cycle was what we had! This love had blinded me for so long and I thought that what I was doing was right. This love that I thought was meant to be and all mine to have. But one day, in a snap of a finger, everything went gray. Like a gun fired in my head, killing me instantly without warning. I was not aware of it, was denying it. Along with it my dreams had also died. I was lost. Totally disoriented of what happened. Was I in any way wrong in showing my love for that person? What have I done for this to happen to me over and over again? I searched for myself, searched for my soul even. Seeking the comfort of my friends and found it but silently hoping that somehow that person would realize my worth and return to me. That somehow that person made the wrong decision. But as time passed by, I realized that there are things more important than my relationship with that person. I realized the value of friends. I thank the people around me who tried so hard to lift up my spirits and make me feel loved and valued. I knew I made some mistakes in my relationship with that person and I have accepted those mistakes and will do my best not to do it again when I fall in love.

I learned that healing come when you forgive yourself first and then the person who have hurt you a lot. Letting go is the best gift I can give to myself and to that person. I will always love that person though in spite of all the hurtful words uttered to me and the painful things done. But that love now has no more bearing. No more wishing and hoping. Just a love kept in the heart as loving and painful memories of the past. I was very happy then and that was what is important. Sad that it ended but happy at the same time that it did. Vicious cycles are to be put into a complete halt and not to be encountered again. Defects should be fixed first before attempting to try it again. :)

God showed me a lot of things about my past life, my past love. It was a perfect time to let go. A perfect time to meet again a special someone who could truly see my worth, appreciate it, and turn my world around. Now things have shaped up for me. Things have been smoothened out. Like a dirt road being cemented along the way. Love is something we have to give and I have a lot of them. Let the one deserving of it feel it and see it. Thanks for seeing through me and accepting me for who I am. My love I offer you and yours alone. Glad you came along at the right time now, X. :) ILOVEYOU!

Sa Isip Ko Lamang.....

Backslide

The two 'X' in my life...